Today was the 1st day in weeks that I made it to the gym.
And it’s not a New Years Resolution deal or anything like that.
I actually felt ignited and took massive action beginning last August 2018 to lose all the weight that I put on in the last few years.
And something to know for context here is that I’ve never been an overweight person or anything like that.
I’ve been an athlete most of my life.
And my natural body type is slim.
The weight gain was highly abnormal.
Why I let all that weight pile on isn’t the focus here though.
The focus today is the bliss of forgiveness I felt today when I realized that I’m OK and remembering that life’s a dynamic journey with variables and change and surprises.
And I’ve come to believe that life itself can be easy or hard.
And most of that resolution comes from our attitude about whatever we face.
For the last few weeks when I was missing the gym, I had moments of feeling disappointed or frustrated that was “too busy” to go and exercise.
Thankfully, every time those feelings I came up, I remembered to tell myself that I’m doing my best and I’ll get back there as soon as I can.
And this is in the context of something someone taught me long time ago. Basically, that our “best” may vary from time to time.
And this occurs because we’re human.
And if there’s nothing wrong with being human.
There’s nothing wrong with my best efforts being different from day to day or seasonally.
The most glorious and beautiful reason that I got “off track” was because I got a sudden influx of new clients, which I had been wanting.
And then family came to visit for the holidays, which I had also wanted very much.
There’s other details here and there but those were the main things that happened all at once and in mass force.
It wasn’t my cousins dropping in for dinner, they came for a week!
And I didn’t pick up a couple clients over a period of time. My hours of coaching went up 20 hours within a couple weeks.
And to be clear, I am soooooo thankful for both of these dramatic changes because I asked for all of it and welcomed it.
So the adjustment period was a couple of weeks.
It took me at least a week to get all my dishes and furniture and everything moved back to it’s original placement from the day my cousins left.
And it took me about 2 weeks to feel like I wasn’t drowning in client communications.
I took out my trash 1/2 as often and just kept stuffing all the crap down harder feeling like I didn’t have 3 minutes to take it to the dumpster.
My hair was in a ponytail or messy bun for a month except maybe 3 times when I had a party or event where I really had to pull myself together.
texts and voicemails from friends piled up until I would be responding so late I kept getting the “hey you’re alive!” message from more than just the prompt and organized personality type friends.
I was able to navigate my feelings of overwhelm in general knowing that life goes in ebbs and flows and I’ll get through this and my friends will forgive me.
The thing that hurt was the lack of care for myself.
I stopped going to the gym.
Like i said, I wasn’t doing my hair… sometimes not even comb it. Just tie it up! Did I mention that before? Ya, woman.. get it together!
And I started falling back into mindless eating.. shoving in a mouthful in between conference calls and then at one point, falling into my old fast food and take-out habit.
And the further I fell away from the focused and structured routine that got me to feeling amazing and losing 25 lbs. last year, the more determined I felt to get back to that 2 hour at the gym routine and thinking… I’m going grocery shopping as soon as I can to buy all the good healthy stuff again and get back on my smoothie routine.
I think I kept my spirits up pretty well through all this. Didn’t beat myself up or anything.
But the expectations of how I would bounce back built every day.
And then today came.
The 1st day back to the gym.
The 1st time at the grocery store that I didn’t just go in for coffee and dog food.
I enjoyed both, however the gym time was spotted with a little more pain and disappointed.
Prior to this blip in time, I was at the gym every day for 2 hours, rowing 15,000 meters a day and then luxuriously stretching and poking around saying hi in passing to my friends at the gym.
However today, I checked into the front desk and saw the familiar sweet and welcoming faces I love.
Then I go to the locker room and weight myself to see how i’m doing on my weight.
I was expecting to have gained more weight than I did because I’ve been feeling sluggish and soft. Expecting to feel disappointed isn’t a good path. Ever.
I was actually pleasantly surprised that I only gained 2 lbs.
So then I felt excited! Proud of myself for keeping it together.
Then I walked up the stairs to find my rowing machine.
And my knee started to lock up and sharp pains ran through my body.
I wanted to cry.
I thought “I blew it” and “I don’t know if I can row or exercise at all!”
Do you see how I’ve already put myself on a roller coaster?!!
Well, I made it to the machine and my knee started to calm down.
I sat down and I then decided.. “I’m going to do my best. Whatever that may be today”
And maybe I can feel good about it.
I chose a steady calm pace and did 2 and a half minutes at a time with a minute rest in between.
And right around 3,000 meters (1/5 of what I was doing a month ago….) I started to feel my body all over.
My knee was tinging.
My back had a ping.
My neck was tweeking.
My lungs were working and stinging a little bit.
I was sweating like I’d been there an hour.
And I had a moment where I felt like I was floating between feelings.
I had already committed to feeling good about whatever I did while my instinct was to feel bad about everything that wasn’t right.
In the end, I accepted that my physical body will do what it does.
And decided to honor my commitment to myself.
To feel good about myself for whatever I was able to do.
And I did!
And then I wondered what is it that allows me to feel good while in pain?
Why am I able to smile and feel proud and powerful in a moment of pain?
The only thing I can say for today is that, i remember the moment when I was floating between emotions while feeling physical pain and broke through to bliss.
that moment came from forgiveness.
I forgave myself for everything I thought had defined as a failure in my fitness.
Or in life.
And I heard my forgiving self saying “I’m ok. I’m doing my best. And it’s ok to feel good about myself.”
“5,000 is ok for today.”
Peace Love & Blessings,